Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Royalty (Color Poem 7)


Royalty
     Purple

When the others whisper about the past,
they remind me I am nothing but a weed.
From where we’ve spread,
I can almost see the old garden
filled with flowers
and the most ethereal are
     the purple tulips
     toad lilies
     meadow rue
     lilac and
     violets.

                     I am younger than the other weeds
                     and I do not understand
                     why we are chopped down
                         stepped on
                     not treated with the care the flowers receive.
                     We are the same color,
                     why can’t we be treated with the same care?

                               They say we are pushed out because we wanted to spread,
                               that we thought if there were more of us,
                               one day we might also be treated with love.
                               But our roots spread too far,
                               and now none of us reach even the edges of the garden.
                               Every year, the roots are all that remain,
                               chopped down to return again the next year.

     We prepare for the day
     that the roaring
          and chopping
          and cutting
          and chattering
     of the weed eater
     tears us apart again.

                                                                                        But this time, the roaring doesn’t come.
                                                                                        All we see is a shadow,
                                                                                        a tall, human shadow,
                                                                                        and then a pale hand and a kind face.

“You’re pretty,”
she says.
Her voice is light,
tinkling like a small bell,
and in her bright smile we know
that finally someone sees us
as more than a mass of
weeds.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Falling Together (Color Poem 6)


Falling Together
     Green

There is a tickle in my vein
and a pulling in my stem.
I cling
     to my tree,
          my home,
the strong, moss-covered branch
where I have grown.

Below, I see a girl
   her legs bouncing,
   wringing her hands,
   staring at a white rectangle
   beside her.
Again, I feel the pulling,
the gentle but assertive caress
of the wind, like the fingers of a small child,
plucking me from the tree as they would
a berry from beside me.

I hold on still
and I watch
and she pulls out something silver
   shining
from her pocket.
     Opening it,
     closing it,
     glancing down
     as if to open it again,
     shoving it back into the pocket.

The wind pulls once more
and I can’t hold on.
So I
     fall
            down,
         drifting,
    further,
and land on top of the white rectangle,
covered in black scribbles.

The girl’s small hands
lift me and she stares, before
looking up with wide eyes
at the sound of footsteps.
Her legs are no longer bouncing and
I see someone else
in her line of sight
and the last thing I see is her smile
like a light from a star in the darkness
closing in before
I am gone.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Pink (Color Poem 5)


Pink
     Pink

he is supposed to be here
     i think
the random words
     what am i even talking about
words pouring out of my mouth
to my friends don't register
because my stomach is spinning
like the wheels of a truck stuck in mud
because

he is supposed to be here
     i know
i am wearing a new dress because today
is his birthday and i know
he is supposed to be here
     but he isn't
and my arms wrap around my middle
as my friends’ conversation
     like the murmurs of talking while asleep
rolls along with the rolling of my stomach

     but my stomach stops rolling
     the tires halt
     and reverse
     slowly rolling in the opposite direction
     back down a hill
     then faster
     picking up speed
     because

he is here now
     i see
and my friends move on to talk to other friends
and i move on to talk to other friends
as the room jumbles like schools of fish swimming through each other
and i try to ignore the yanking urge i feel
to look around the room
     just for a second
and see what he is doing
     and i don't ignore it
     and i look
and

he is looking at me
     i feel
the area under each of my pores
     from my hairline
     to my earlobes
     to my collarbone
     to my shoulders
warms like a marshmallow over an open flame
as his deep
     chocolatey
eyes meet mine.

And I stop.
Taking in a deep breath of air,
I look away,
back to the friends in front of me.
Then, with a sigh,
I start a new conversation,
refusing to look around again,
because
I don’t want him to know
     why I’m pink.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Lemons (Color Poem 4)


Lemons
     Yellow

My hands shake as
I nervously flip the notepad.
“Lemonade,”
the blonde murmurs.
“Just a glass of lemonade.”

She doesn’t meet my eyes,
only stares
at the glinting glass table in front of her.
I wonder if it is normal
to order lemonade so early.
Do we even sell lemonade
this early?

I carefully bring out her drink,
the first order I’ve taken,
noticing the shining sunrise
beaming through the window
causing the white daffodils to appear tinted yellow
- similar to the yellow of the lemon
wedged on the glass in my hands.

“Anything else?”
I ask.
I place the lemonade in front of her.
She shakes her head and still stares as
the sun continues to rise
and the object of her attention
that I hadn’t noticed before
reflects enough light to draw my eye:

a small, diamond-clad band,
lying alone on the table.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Japan

Ever since I went to Otakon, the biggest anime convention on the east coast, the summer before ninth grade, I have had the distinct desire to learn Japanese and go to Japan. I started to try to teach myself some Japanese, and I really don't know much. I know a few basics, and I can count to ten. I can't read anything, but I can recognize Hiragana and Katakana in comparison to other languages. Sometimes I can recognize Kanji, but I am less familiar with it so it is more difficult.

I went into college with the knowledge that I wanted, at some point, to study abroad in Japan. And, what do you know, I got accepted into the summer 2013 study abroad in Japan program. Unfortunately, at the time being, it isn't looking like I will have enough money to go. Unless I can find a job or something of the like at Virginia Tech for the Spring semester, it isn't going to happen. I don't like to admit that to myself, but it's the truth.

On a lighter note, I am taking this opportunity to share my two favorite J-Pop bands, Chemistry and Hey! Say! JUMP. I came across Chemistry when I was watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and their opening has always been my favorite. To this day, Period is my favorite song I have ever heard. Ever. It is my ring tone and my alarm, and I have listened to it thousands of times on iTunes.


After that, I found out that they were going to be at Otakon that summer, and I decided to tell my friend that was going to sneak in a camera and film them for me. In all actuality, I ended up going with her and got to see them live, go to a Q&A session with them, and got an autographed shirt and bought a CD. I fell in love with them the moment they stepped on stage and started performing. I have loved a lot of their songs, and bought many CDs, ever since then, and I hope to one day see them live again, be it in Japan or America.

The next band from Japan I fell in love with was BORN, when I saw them at Nekocon that same year, but I will probably gush about them later, as this post is more focused on the J-Pop bands I love. There were a few other bands after that, mostly J-Rock, until I happened to stumble upon Hey! Say! JUMP while looking up a bunch of J-Pop bands for one of my friends who asked me to. I also immediately fell in love with them, though I haven't seen them live, and specifically the song Super Delicate.



Now, I am rather obsessed. Anyway, I just wanted to gush about that, and be sad about the low probability of going to Japan this summer working out. Have a nice day, or night, or whatever time it is you are reading this, and I will surely post again soon!


Monday, January 7, 2013

Spirited Away

Miyazaki. His movies are all simply amazing. They are all so creative, and each and every one of them really makes you think. He so successfully pulls you into the world he has created, and I know in my case it can be hard to detach myself from it afterwards.

After some soul-searching, my favorite of his movies is Spirited Away. I have always identified with Chihiro, and I would like nothing more than to slip into the spirit world to have an adventure, as traumatizing as it may be. From all of the books I have read, the video games I have played, and the tv shows and movies I have watched, I would like nothing more than to go on a massive adventure for some reason or another, meet the love of my life, and have something interesting happen to me.

This is going to be less like my Final Fantasy IX post about me convincing you that my idea of what my favorite is is a legitimate opinion, and more of a post with me gushing about how much I love it. 

First I would like to give a recommendation to any who care for it, in the form of beautiful (though there are a few very, very small grammatical errors) fan fiction. It is a series by the fanfiction.net author Velf, and it has three parts.

Courage of the Spirit

Enchantment of the Heart

Resilience of the Soul

I have spent the past few days being completely immersed in these stories, and even though the ending did not give me quite as much closure as I wanted, I am very satisfied by the plot and the world she created. It is beautiful, and I recommend it to any Spirited Away fan who wants to know more than just the movie, even if this story is not canonical. 

I think that is all I have to say. Not totally sure, but I feel like I have gushed enough. Really though. I wish I could be that creative. Sometimes I feel like my attempts are just pathetic and can never live up to the expectations I have for them, but I still have hope.

Because they are too adorable.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Hair

My, I have been particularly chatty today. Intriguing. Probably because I have so many strange things happening all at once. Something compelled me to clean out the boxes on my dresser. It was an interesting experience, to say the least. I got those when I was still with my longest boyfriend, who I am still calling Bob for the sake of my privacy (and, hell, even his privacy), so they have quite a few nick-knacks in them that are, in a sense, artifacts of that relationship. Some spikes he had on some of his clothes. Two guitar picks he gave me the first time I ever went to his house. A decorative bit of jewelry he gave me from the Edgar Allan Poe museum. And my hair.

As you know if you have stalked my previous posts, Bob had a huge influence on my life and the person I am. For the entire time I was with him, my hair was very long. Dark, straight, very long hair. Not so different, really, from how it has been lately. Well, before I felt compelled to have my wonderful mother cut it a bit. Anyway, I somehow felt like my hair length was keeping me bound to him, in a way. Granted I was playing Final Fantasy IX at the time, and anyone who has played that game knows that Dagger uses (ha. ha.) a dagger to cut off her hair to a short length in an effort to move past the person she was when she had longer hair, if only temporarily. I decided to give that a try after I had rebounded from Bob with two different relationships.

I cleared the idea with my mom, and I went into the bathroom, put my hair up into a high ponytail, and chopped almost all of it off (in a similar fashion to Dagger in Final Fantasy IX, like a bob (oh the irony of my fake name choice) not a pixie cut). It took a good five minutes because my hair is so thick. That was one of the ways I let that relationship go, and an effort to move past it. I tied up the hair I had cut off, and I kept it for sentimental purposes. I felt like I was starting an entirely new section of my life, but I think I know differently now.

In keeping the hair I chopped off, I was holding on. I don't think I did it on purpose. And I don't think I did it because I still wanted him back. At the time, I knew I was done, that he had changed into something else, something that I couldn't see myself loving anymore. But I think I was scared to let go, and I think I've always been scared of ever opening myself up to someone as much as I did to him. He ripped my heart out, tore it to shreds, dropped those on the floor, and smashed them with one of his steel-toed boots. Then he put it back in, mended it, for about an hour. Then he ripped it out again, and gave it the same nasty treatment as before. And then, for some stupid reason, he made it worse by coming to live with me for who knows how long.

By keeping my hair, and the guitar picks, and the spikes, and some of the other things he gave me, I haven't let go. I wanted it to be sentimental, but it has somehow served as a reminder that I placed my heart into another human being's hands, giving him complete power over its fate, and he destroyed it. I'm damaged. My heart mended itself, but now its careful. It put up a huge, brick wall around itself and it won't let anyone in. And that isn't what I want anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to be able to put the trust in them that I put into Bob, and I'm done trying to protect myself from the possibility that it will happen again.

I'm going to try and let go. I think I am going to take all of these things either outside, or to Virginia Tech, or something, and get rid of them. I'm going to wait for a windy day, and I'm going to let go of my hair. I mean, seriously. I took my hair out of that box, and I got the curious idea to sniff it. I wanted to see what it smelled like. And the only thing I could smell was Bob. And it bothers me that I've been too afraid to get rid of it. To just let it go, and fly away in the wind. I mean, if I am going to take a lesson from Dagger, I need to do it right. She didn't keep her hair. She let it go. And that is exactly what I plan on doing.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Old, Alone, Done For

The title is a quote from the Peter Pan that has that adorable little boy in it. The one with the thimble. I love that movie. And I am feeling particularly like dear old Captain Hook today.

Not that I want to kill any adorable children, just that I feel lonely. Mainly, I miss Virginia Tech. I miss my room, my roommate, my friends, my classes, the campus, the food, everything. I just want to go back now. 

I also need some inspiration. Not even inspiration, really. I know exactly what I want to write. I just don't seem to have the motivation to open up a Word document and actually write it. Maybe I need to get really sick again so I can be on drugs all the time. Apparently that worked before, because I was on a roll. I can't say the same for the state of my writing right now.

I am, however, quite in love with Aidan Turner.


I mean, he is an amazing actor. And just look at him. Really, I can't even begin to resist. He is almost equal to Johnny Depp on my list of favorite actors. And I don't even like that many actors, so me knowing his name is a big enough deal already. So I have been watching Being Human and, I must say, Mitchell and Kili are very different characters.

Also, Aidan Turner is clearly all for the supernatural people. First he is a vampire, then he gets reincarnated into a dwarf, then reincarnated again into a werewolf. Perhaps he will be a fairy next. That would be exciting.

But anyway, I am enjoying Being Human. Unfortunately, my internet is extremely slow, and iTunes is taking much too long to download it, so I am currently stuck on the third episode of the second season, waiting for the next to finish downloading. And then I will probably stay up all night watching it until I get to one that hasn't finished downloading. And then I will think to myself.

"Christina," I will say, "why did you not take the slight inspiration that entered your being and spend this time writing instead of fawning over Kili the dwarf's past life?"

"Intelligent part of me, dearest," I will reply, "as much as I love writing, the slight obsession I have for this actor is currently all-consuming, therefore I must watch everything I can with him in it in order to alleviate  this from my system... or at least minimize its ability to distract me."

Whether or not the more logical side of me takes that for a good enough answer is beyond my predictions. Because I really should be writing. I know the scene I want to write right now and everything. The second arc of my story is so much fun.


I felt compelled to share. I like that picture. It is one of the backgrounds on my cell phone.

Yes, I am aware that my infatuations with fictional characters are disturbing and unhealthy. But there is nothing I can do about it. Plus, I am not harming anyone, and it gives me inspiration to write, unlike when I am infatuated with normal, real people. THOSE infatuations make me LOSE all inspiration. I would know. I just had one.

It sucked.

But man, the guy is attractive. Oh well. Nothing is going to happen. And if it does, knowing my luck, I will be madly in love with someone I haven't even met yet and be like "well, damn, maybe you should have done something back when I was, I don't know, super duper interested in you." 

Exactly.

Alright. This codfish is going to go watch more Being Human. Enjoy your day. (Except no one reads this blog. So it is really just myself I am telling this to. And maybe some very curious fans if I one day am a bestselling author. That would be funny. If that happened: Hello out there! This is me when I was nineteen and did not have a driver's license! Nice to meet you! What am I like now? I am very curious to know.)

I feel like I just looked into the future. Cool. I like time travel. Even if it is only in my mind.

<3


Monday, December 31, 2012

Forgotten Memories

I had a boyfriend, once.

I mean, I have had several boyfriends. Five, to be exact. Most of them were pretty insignificant. It was chill. The first I had an on-and-off thing with for about four years, beginning in elementary school. That was interesting. The third was a rebound from the second (who I will get to in a moment) that was orchestrated by mutual friends, but he ended up being gay. (Which is totally cool, and he is still a friend.) The fourth... that one I like to pretend never happened. Not much about it was good. I did learn, though, not to date anyone with the same birthday as me. The fifth was only two weeks, and I learned then how quickly I can get over a guy. I also learned that I have a knack for becoming attracted to co-actors because of their character they are playing as opposed to who they actually are.

My second boyfriend, who I will be referring to as Bob, had a much larger impact on my life as a whole than any of those four did. It was my longest relationship, ten months to the day, though Bob was involved in my life for much longer than that, both before and after we were dating.

I didn't much care about anything before I met him. Yeah, I read some books (and was infatuated with Edward Cullen at the time) and played some video games (I was, and still am, in love with Riku from Kingdom Hearts) but that was about it. Aside from spending some time writing fan fiction, I didn't do anything. The clothes I wore were hand-me-downs. I had friends, but I wasn't really SUPER close to anyone. I had things I liked, but I didn't share them much. As Bob told me once, as unkind of a thing as it was, my personality was like a blank slate; he said one of the reasons he pursued me was because he figured he could make me into exactly what he wanted me to be.

He was partially correct. Before I continue, in my defense, I was fourteen for most of this, therefore I forgive myself for my vast stupidity. Anyway, he managed to make me do what he wanted me to do, wear what he wanted me to wear, and like what he wanted me to like. With a few bumps in his path (like my unwillingness for certain activities, given how innocent I was), he did succeed in making me what he wanted me to be. It became who I was, and I essentially let him control me. He would come over to my house every day. We would usually watch a movie or play a video game. He would secretly text other women. I knew, yes, but I never said anything. I didn't want him to be mad at me.

This pattern continued for a pretty long time. In the summer, things were better. He went to the beach with my family and certain events happened there where he became pretty agreeable to almost anything. He was actually nice to me for most of the summer. Then school started up again, and people became involved. Things began to spiral downhill from there. But what he didn't see coming was a change in me that I didn't even predict. I had gone from not caring about anything, to caring about what Bob wanted me to do, to finally caring about what I wanted and needed. Maybe it was because my time with him during the summer had been so great that it opened my eyes to the way our relationship should have been. Maybe he was just so crazy around Christmas-time that I eventually snapped. I still don't know.

Things had gone back to how they were before, but I wasn't so willing to let it happen. When he did things I found suspicious, I would question him. I didn't do whatever he asked me to. I was becoming my own person, and I don't think he much liked it. A few days before our ten month anniversary, things were changing drastically. Because, dear planets and earth and stars and sun, there was a day when he did not come over to my house. This was a huge deal. For ten months (I repeat, TEN MONTHS) he had come to my house every single day. It was extremely obvious that something was up. And then, on the morning of our ten month anniversary, my mother texted me and told me that Bob's therapist had told Bob's grandmother who had told my mother that he was going to break up with me.

Long story short, there was an all-day spectacle and he did break up with me that day. I am pretty sure the entire school knew what was going on. I was very famous from that relationship for a while, not to mention identified by it. About a month, I think, later, he ended up moving into my house. I don't remember how long he lived with me, but there was a good chunk of time where I wasn't over him, and I am pretty sure he had sex with his new girlfriend in my house. Before I was over him. It was pretty unfortunate.

But, like before, something eventually made me snap. I wouldn't say it was overnight, though thinking back on it, it does seem like it was very sudden. I was over him. Everything he was doing, everything he was, just wasn't what I wanted. And I was finally able to see that. A change happened in me then, and that change is what made me who I am today.

This story was relevant, I swear.

I had a dream about him last night. I think I saw him in some movie theater, probably going to see The Hobbit (because I am obsessed), and somehow we ended up talking and in a room, and I was lying on his chest (don't know how; it was kind of deformed for the whole time I knew him. He is skinnier than I am, I think). Nothing else happened, except for my family being extremely upset with me and me having to explain that, seriously, nothing happened between us.

Obviously, I woke up eventually. And I thought about it. I tried to dig into my memories of that relationship, just the good ones, but there aren't any. I remember some of the pictures of us on Facebook, and little facts of things that we did. But what about the important stuff? I can't remember how I felt. As much as I dislike the boy, technically now a man by age I suppose, he had a huge role in shaping who I am, even if it didn't turn out how he planned. And that evolution in me was emotionally driven. But I can't remember it. It completely consumed my life at the time, but I can't remember what it felt like to be in love (or at least think I was). I can't remember what it felt like to kiss someone I cared about romantically. I can't remember what it felt like to do anything in that relationship.

And that horrifies me.

If something like that, something that huge and important and such a big deal at the time, that only happened five years ago, has been all-but-forgotten, what does that mean? Ten years from now, what am I going to remember? Just the facts? Is it in human nature to forget emotions, or am I just weird? As much as I feel like I was stupid and that I should have seen how unhealthy that relationship was sooner, I want to remember what it felt like. I want to remember feeling the happiness, even if it means remembering how miserable I was half the time too. 

I've considered that maybe my mind is blocking it out, those memories, because it thinks they were traumatic. I've had some family issues, and my mom tells me sometimes that my brain's way of coping with all of the emotional stress is for it to completely block it out, leaving me in an apathetic state. Until now, though, I haven't seen a problem with it. I didn't realize it was going to block out everything.

If my memories of emotions are blocked out, is my ability to feel them as strongly blocked out too? My fifth relationship; did I only get over it so fast because my mind blocked out the emotional hurt I felt? I mean, since then I have liked people, but never to the degree I did with Bob. And, while it has never seemed strange to me before (I mean, I can't fall hopelessly in love with everyone; I assumed I just hadn't met the right person), now I'm not so sure. I feel like, instead of growing into someone stronger, I've grown into someone who is emotionally stunted, where before I was so open. It doesn't feel like I've grown. It feels like I've shrunk.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Waiting


I Have Been Waiting


for a time
that feels much longer than it
has actually been but you have
been ignoring this

If i could bring myself
to do so i would tell you just to
see how you respond
since it would halt
you blissfully ignoring the problems
of others and not breeding
any problems of your own

These feelings i have
consume so much of what i
have chosen to toil away
the hours of my day with
but now i am learning
something new

I don’t know if i want to wait
anymore because i've learned
that there are people
who want to give me
exactly what i have been waiting for
from you but my heart
is still telling me that wait
ing is the right thing to do