Christmas Insomnia Part 2

In response to the coincidentally quite relevant memoir I had to  write for Creative Writing, I have decided to write another one, here, for all of your reading enjoyment, about this recent Christmas Eve. It will probably be longer, and I should warn you that, if you are planning on seeing The Hobbit movies but have not read the actual book, it would be advised that you do not read this post. Because there are spoilers. Big ones. Like, the size of the spiders in Australia.

Yes. That big. And I'm sure the spoilers have little baby spoilers hidden beside them too... if those spiders can be called little.

I am going to continue to spew in an effort to have the spoilers be far enough down the page for people who care to be able to leave. I need to at least give you a fair opportunity to not be spoiled, as large as I know the temptation is. So I am going to take this space to talk about none other than my favorite non-domestic animal, Pandas.

I am very fond of pandas. I am currently in possession of a stuffed panda I bought from the national zoo, an aromatherapy panda that I can microwave (even though it feels like animal cruelty, I just have to remind myself that it is NOT a real panda), a panda pillow pet, and a panda wearing a maroon t-shirt that says "I <3 Virginia Tech." Because pandas are simply too cool.

I have been playing World of Warcraft a lot, which I haven't done in a while, and I smile every time I see a panda. I can be a panda, too, and that is just... too great.

Let's see. What else can I spew about? My sisters and I made a gingerbread house on Christmas Eve. Look, I'm being relevant. 

I know you want to know why it looks so spectacular. And, you know what? Just because you have taken the time to read my silly post, I will tell you our secret. It is the logs. See the snow-covered logs in the bottom right? They are what make the house amazing. And they are simply three broken pieces of a white-chocolate covered pretzel.

Have I covered enough space yet? I certainly hope so.

It is time to begin.

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Insomnia 2012

I couldn't sleep. It was funny, before coming home for Christmas break, my Creative Writing professor has us write a memoir about a Christmas memory, and I chose to write about mt insomnia once. I didn't imagine that such an event would happen again, since it had been years since I'd had a sleeping problem on Christmas Eve.

Oh, how very wrong I was.

I recently saw The Hobbit in theaters three times, conveniently only paying for one of them, and I loved it. I am also irrationally in love with Kili the Dwarf. Yes, sometimes I get slightly concerned for my mental health, but when I convince myself that a fictional character is my soulmate, I just tend to write so very well. So I was spending my Christmas Eve looking up things on the internet about The Hobbit.

The day didn't start off well. I knew Peter Jackson was adding in a female elf, but I wasn't aware that he was adding her in to be a love interest for Kili. This got me irrationally upset, for a variety of reasons. I am only slightly ashamed to admit that the largest was because I was jealous. The others were because it doesn't really seem like something Tolkein would have done.

My problems were lessened a bit when I saw a post by Aidan Turner, Kili's actor, that said his character knew nothing could happen. This led me to believe it was more like how Gimli had a minor crush on Galadriel in The Fellowship of the Ring. And I decided I could handle that. Curious, I kept looking through comments and blogs about the situation, and I was shocked to find one that said (SPOILERS, SO DEAR LORD IF YOU DID NOT LEAVE BEFORE WHEN I STALLED OUT FOREVER, I HOLD NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS) both characters would probably be dead by the end of the three movies anyway, so he didn't much suppose it mattered.

My heart took that opportunity to stop.

I had come to terms with my fictional dwarf thinking some elf woman was pretty and trying to woo her. I was like, "okay, it isn't like it would work out anyway." But this? Death? That was a more permanent problem.

Unfortunately, I was then distracted by my sisters forcing me to help them make the lovely gingerbread house shown above, so I had to migrate my research to my iPhone.

I had read The Hobbit before. I remembered all of the main scenes. Why didn't I remember Kili dying? And, what's that internet? Fili dies too? To attempt to protect a mortally wounded Thorin? Who then also dies anyway?

My heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces, falling all over the kitchen floor, but I had to hide it. I couldn't very well tell my sisters or mother about my problem, or they would undoubtedly send me to the loony bin due to my clear insanity. Instead, I hid my heartbreak and distracted myself with the gingerbread house (which turned out so very lovely).

I continued to distract myself for the rest of the evening. Though the dilemma occasionally crossed my mind, I was focused on watching Elf, opening my new pajamas and seeing everyone else's, and watching Scrooge. But when Scrooge was over, the trouble began.

It was time to go to my room.

I was fine for a while. I played World of Warcraft. Granted, I couldn't play my dwarf hunter because, not only was she a dwarf because of how much I loved The Hobbit, she has a pet cat named Kili and I figured it would just make me depressed. So I played different characters, until eventually I felt tired.

And then all hell - within my mind, of course - broke loose.

Every time I would look at my background and see Kili, Fili, or Thorin, I would get irrationally depressed and almost cry. I was listening to The Hobbit soundtrack, but some of the songs were also causing the same effect. I still didn't turn it off, and I tried to sleep.

It wasn't working. And, lord save my soul, I had begun to actually cry. And there were no tissues within an arm's reach. Disastrous.

So I decided I would email my dearest roommate and friend, Grace.

One day you are going to answer my email. Probably tomorrow (today?), when I won't be able to see your response because I will be in the middle of nowhere, with no internet, in South Carolina. Or the next day. When I will also be there. Really, not excited about it. And I have a problem. Every time I look at the background of my computer, my eyes start getting all teary and I sometimes start crying. However, I am not willing to take off my Kili theme. I am trying to figure out how I got past this with L. Possibly because he is still there for the rest of the show in spirit. And because Near is very similar to him. But really, Kili hasn't even died yet. That is going to be in the summer of 2014. So why on earth am I being so emotional right now? It sucks, yo. J.R.R. Tolkein is a cruel, cruel man. As is Peter Jackson. Why did he have to make the three characters that die the three most attractive/connectable-to/awesome? (Aside from the hedgehog, of course, but he died for a brief moment as well. Just saying.) Couldn't he have made... Bombur super attractive? Or like... Ori? There were plenty of dwarves. Why does he feel the need to torture his poor, fangirling audience members? When HE caused the fangirling! It is, again, cruel. Mistreatment of the public, I daresay. And poor Aiden Dewhurst; there is now no escape for him from being very, very alike to Kili. I will refrain from making him royalty, and refrain from making him a dwarf. It was all I could do not to go and immediately change his eye color to a chocolately brown.

I was sitting at my desk with my computer open when I minimized the internet after being super upset about the whole Kili dying thing, and I noticed the amazingly attractive face on my background. My eyes got all watery, again, and my poor little heart broke, again, like it has been all day for various reasons, and I observed how everything about said face on my background was Aiden except for the eyes.

Because Aidan Turner has chocolately brown eyes, but Aiden Dewhurst has very bright, green eyes. I thought to myself, "Christina, all you have to do is change the description of his eyes in chapter one and then tell Shayna the change; it isn't as if she has even started to draw him, much less color him, yet."

But then, my stronger self, the one that managed to move on past L's death, said "No, Christina. There was a reason you gave Aiden green eyes, not only because you didn't want him to be one hundred percent identical to Kili. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, change it."

My weaker, heartbroken self responded with "But it could still work if his eyes were deep and chocolately and blah blah blah (I can assure you, self, that I can make describing Aidan Turner/Kili's eyes sound EXTREMELY gooey and romantic, perhaps even moreso than with bright green ones). Does it really make a difference? The readers will never know that Aiden is heavily based, physically, on Kili the dwarf. Only my friends and family would even notice, and only because I am obsessed. So why can't I?"

"Because," my stronger self began, "you need to have a point of reference, physically, that reminds you that Aiden is not Kili."

"But doesn't the fact that he is tall count? Kili is short."

"No. Because you don't picture Kili as short, because he is always around other dwarves. But eye color. You pay attention to eye color. This way if you get too drawn in, you can mention the eye color to pull back out and remember that, as much as they have in common, Aiden is NOT Kili."

"But all I want to do right now is immortalize Kili. Because I love him." <---- (Look at this irrational, emotional response! It reminds me of you when you are upset. O.O) <3

"First of all, he is a fictional character. Therefore, he is not real. So even when you are forced to watch him die to save his uncle on a very large screen in 3D and possibly 48fps, he is not really dying. In fact, Aidan Turner is not dying at all. Secondly, you should not be in love with a fictional character. Again, he is not real. He will never be real. Also, it is unlikely that you will find anyone on earth right now who is that attractive, funny, intelligent, trained with a bow and arrow, and can pull off the long hair. Third, you tried to write fan fiction after L died because you wanted to find a way to bring him back. But you never actually wrote it. You got over it. Therefore, I think it is safe to assume you can get over this as well. I am relatively certain that you are no more in love with Kili than you were initially with L, Envy, Lavi, Riku, or any of the other fictional men that have each captured parts of your heart. You. Will. Get. Over. It."

My argument was extremely logical, and you know how I respond to logical arguments. Usually if someone lays the facts down in front of my eyes, I can understand them and stop being emotionally irrational. But you may recall when I told you that (insert name of male I recently had a huge crush on but am not willing to share with the public here) was the exception to that rule.

I lied.

The true exception is any person, fictional or not, that I feel a strong, romantic, emotional attachment to. (I didn't lie on purpose, by the way. I just wasn't thinking about fictional characters during that particular late-night chat.) And, right now, that person is Kili. Somehow I end up feeling as strongly for fictional characters as if they were real. It is really a problem. And I may need to, one day, see a therapist about it. Unless I find a man who doesn't care. Writing does help some, but with the current circumstance it just makes me want to cry more.

I also can't sleep. Which is why I narrated my dilemma to you like it was creative nonfiction. It seemed entertaining, and I want to write.

Now then, what I do need you to tell me, along with the things mentioned in the previous email about naming the animals, if you think it would be too much to change Aiden's eye color. I haven't looked at a picture of Kili in about an hour, so most of me is on the "keep them green" side, but the moment I see a picture that is likely to waver.

And I also need you to tell me whether I am certifiably insane and legitimately need to see a psychiatrist before I harm someone (myself included). Or if you think I am insane but no treatment is needed because I am clearly passive and won't harm anyone (including myself). Or if you don't think I am insane at all, and that this kind of an attachment to a fictional character is completely normal. Especially doing it multiple times. I have a very, very long list of fictional characters I have had this problem with in the past. However, I usually am not writing a story with a character similar to them in it, nor do I spontaneously find out that they are going to die in the final installment of whatever they are in after the creator goes through a bunch of trouble to get me emotionally attached to them. Hence why Kili is being more of a problem than most.

Maybe it would help if I had my shirt.

It hasn't come in yet.

Neither has my poster.

Or my phone case.

Or my J-Pop CDs.

Sad life.

I have been writing this email for a long time. I would like to let you know that I apologize for writing you a novel, but it really does help me with emotional instability if I can write it all down and share it with someone. You get to be that lucky person. Because my family won't let me tell them what has me upset because I told them I found out something about the end of the Hobbit that I would have been better off not knowing.

That isn't entirely true, by the way. I mean I am sure I would have found out before the third movie came out anyway, but it still matters. What if I hadn't known and went to the third movie without a huge box of tissues and a blanket and a large stuffed animal to cuddle? It would come as a surprise. And then I would probably have a heart attack or going running out of the theater with tears streaming down my face and no one would understand what was wrong because no one else is so damn obsessed with a stupid fictional character to freak out this much about them freaking DYING.

And then I hear the damn Blunt the Knives song and it makes me really happy, but then really sad. Because... I mean, I think you get it.

Really though. If I ever am planning on killing off a character that I have gone through any length to keep my readers emotionally attached to without an EXTREMELY good reason, yell at me, remind me how I felt when I found out about Kili dying, and if I still don't believe you, show me this email. Because, in the event that I am not the only psycho like me in the world, I do not want to put anyone through the pain and torture that I have been through today.

Ever.

It is cruel.

And so, so depressing.

And it is Christmas, so that just isn't allowed. 

I am supposed to be happy.

Damn.

You.

J.

R.

R.

Tolkein.

And.

Peter.

Jackson.

Anyway, sorry to write you a novel. I do hope you read all of it. Because I just put about an hour's work into writing it. And I would be sad if you didn't read all of it.

I hope it entertained you at least a little, and that you don't ask for a roommate switch now that you have seen the full brunt of my crazy. (This is actually the worst of it. I don't think I am hiding any other strange, mental issues from you. Intentionally or unintentionally.)

Thank you for your lovely time, and I hope you respond to my email.

Even if I don't get to read your response for a few days.

Because no internet.

Kill me.

I'm just going to be sitting around, trying not to cry about Kili.

This is not going to end well.

But Merry Christmas, and I will probably text you a bunch, but it would probably be a good idea to answer this email with another email as opposed to trying to respond to it in its lengthy glory via text message. Or phone call for that matter. No, email will be the best method there.

<3

I then continued to attempt to sleep, but still nothing was working. Conveniently, I write well when I am in an emotional state, especially when it involves a fictional character I think I am in love with. So, I wrote stuff. Lots of stuff. And I kept writing for a few hours before I decided that I really needed to sleep. Because it was almost 4:00 in the morning. I did, luckily, succeed.

In the morning, I was again distracted by presents. There were lots of them. Reminiscent of my older Insomnia memoir, I got a PlayStation 3 from dearest Santa this year. Very exciting. But then, we were done with presents eventually. And I was very sad.

And my sister convinced me that telling her about it would help, even though it was a huge, Australian spider-sized spoiler. So I did. And I proceeded to spend the next three hours crying my eyes out with some breaks in between. I moved all of my presents to my room, and I eventually managed to pull myself together enough to watch a video of Aidan Turner being interviewed about The Hobbit.

It was like magic.

I stopped crying.

Somehow, I don't know if it was the reminder that all three movies had been filmed and Kili's actor was still alive, or the ability I gained to separate the actor from the character to have a bit more of reality in the situation, but I was okay again. I watched a few more interviews and they made me laugh. I was able to continue on my Christmas day in peace.

Though, I should point out, my character Aiden does now have brown eyes. However, this decision was made later on, from a less heartbroken mind, and for reasons very different than the needs listed above. Plus, his personality really isn't anything like Kili's. If anyone is, it would be Isaac.

I may just be trying to justify myself right now, but I don't particularly care. And I will continue to funnel this emotional energy into writing my story.